Holonews 3

Holonet Galactic News HGN (Between Episodes IV and V)

Headline News:

Jawa Juice Determined to be Unsafe for Consumption

The Galactic Consumer Advocacy organization has determined that Jawa Juice has been found to reduce the cognitive abilities of sentient beings far in excess to what was originally thought. Studies show that they may in fact have a greater effect then death sticks and some forms of spice.

When asked why this problem wasn’t detected earlier, industry officials point out that no one knows exactly what Jawa Juice is except for the Jawa vendors themselves leading to unsettling rumors as to it’s origins.

When asked for examples of what kind of damage it can do one industry official stated on condition of anonymity:

“Suppose you had a young male protege sworn to celibacy. You know that he is mindlessly in love with a girl. Instead of having her sent away safely like you normally would ingestion of Jawa Juice might lead you to do something stupid like send them to a romantic setting alone together where they can talk about sand, stare into each others eyes, etc. It is my considered opinion that the stuff should be banned.”

Kashyyyk occupied by the Imperial Army

A fleet of Imperial warships blockaded the planet Kashyyyk this week and placed the planet under Imperial control. Imperial life forms specialists have determined that the indigenous creatures, the Wookies, are incurably animalistic and dangerous. They have also concluded that due to this and their underdeveloped brains that these creatures are not truly sentient.

In view of these facts, the Empire has opened the market up to sell them as beasts of labor. Several Trandoshan clans have already begun harvesting under Imperial regulations and the first Wookies are reaching the open market. Several Wookies are also being kept by the Empire for civic improvement projects to benefit the Empire as a whole.

Tensions heat up on Zel Sonn Station

Last week, the station administrator acceded to MAHIG’s requests for a spot inspection of the reactor shafts to test the new railings and unleashed a firestorm of controversy.

In addition to more humanoid bodies, the inspectors found the remains of some kind of predatory cat. MAHIG promptly renamed itself MAHIGAPA. They searched the entire station and found the body of a Reek in an abandoned hanger and the body of an Acklay within an escape pod bay. Concerned that this is just the tip of the iceberg, the administrator has been flooded with demands that for the safety of the children a patrol force be created to hunt down any additional predatory animals and also demanding that the rails be tripled in height and made unclimbable.

The Administrator formed the BEAR (Balanced Equipped Animal Response) patrol and they have begun scouring the station for additional animals. There have also been reports of hucksters trying to sell animal protection devices including talismans that ward off predatory cats and food pellets that can be used to distract angry carnivorous platypuses.


Dramatic Trick gives Jace Deeron Victory in Loop of Kon Garat Race

Jace Deeron has won the Loop of Kon Garat, one of the most challenging space races in the galaxy. Jace successfully avoided the Space Slug gauntlet and the Spinning Ion Platforms of Death with his brilliant idea of spinning his craft.

When asked where he picked up such a trick Jace said, “When I was young I flew a starfighter in the defense of Naboo. Mostly a cakewalk job until the Trade Federation blockade. I flew into orbit to attack a Droid Control Ship. It didn’t go well as we couldn’t break their shields. As I was desperately trying to survive I heard a voice I didn’t recognize over the comlink. It said, ’Let’s spin, that’s a good trick.’ Figuring I had nothing to lose, I did just that. We won the battle and I’ve been spinning ever since.”

Mitrinomon Issues a Recall of the Z-6 Jetpack

Safety Inspectors discovered a flaw in the Z-6 jetpack and the company has issued a recall due to a design flaw. It has been determined that there is a 3 cm by 2 cm area on the back that can cause a misfire of the jetpack if jolted suddenly.

Company spokesmen say, "The flaw is minor. It would require a blunt or pointed object to impact the area with a great deal of force and even then all it will do is cause a momentary firing of the pack followed by a short cool-down period. The risks are minimal. The affected area is also incredibly small. A blind man waving a stick around wildly has about as much chance to hit it as a trained combatant.

This is the second major jet pack safety warning issued in the last 5 years. Merr-Sonn was forced to put a warning label on the JT-12 pointing out that the jet pack may lose functionality if the wearer is trampled by a large animal.

Holonews 3

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