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Holonet Galactic News HGN

Headline News:

Jedi Terrorists Strike on the Planet Nizon

A group of Jedi terrorists recently launched a series of terrorist strikes on the planet Nizon. Nizon, a small planet on the Outer Rim is a primitive world that previously sided with the Separatists. Following the war, the Empire placed a garrison on the planet and sent in specialists to help the natives modernize their society.

The Empire’s generosity was rebuffed cruelly and under the instigation of Jedi terrorists their anarchistic tendencies were fanned into flame again. The maddened natives looted Imperial armories and slaughtered Imperial forces and civilian workers and traders on the planet. The death toll is estimated at this time to be 493 civilians dead, including 130 children. Imperial forces heroically bought time for the evacuation of the survivors. Determining that a battle to retake the planet would cause a bloodbath on both sides the Imperial army has withdrawn for the time until the situation changes.

Reports scattered throughout the galaxy from seditious elements have doctored holos and reports that the natives were being used as slave labor and that the natives rose up in reaction to this and that the entire garrison and a heavy cruiser were eliminated in the battle. These reports are false and possession and distribution of them qualifies as treason under the Emperor’s Separatist Sedition Act.

Gelnar Tol Reported Missing

A lead Kuat ship designer, a Duros named Gelnar Tol was reported missing one week ago. He was abducted while on leave on the planet Kuat. Gelnar Tol is responsible for designing the refit of the Vindicator Heavy Cruiser into the Interdictor and was one of the lead designers on the Imperial Star Destroyer project. He is the third Kuat Ship Engineer to go missing this year.

Sienar Fleet Systems, the Corellian Engineering Corporation, Koensayr Manufacturing, the Loronar Corporation, and Rendili Stardrive have all reported that some of their top engineers have gone missing in the last three years.

So far no one has claimed responsibility for these abductions though Imperial sources suspect Separatist terrorists looking to build warships for a campaign against the Empire. The Emperor’s public affairs office insists that these abductions should show the good people of the galaxy that the Empire’s shipbuilding program is needed for the common defense.

BEAR patrol shoots wrong targets on Zel Sonn Station

The Balanced Equpped Animal Response team on Zel Sonn Station has so far been responsible for multiple incidents on the station. The first involved the BEAR patrol gunning down a harmless Kowakian monkey lizard owned by a small boy as a pet.

Shortly after that two Cathar were mistaken for predatory cats and gunned down on the Promenade.

The final incident involved the sighting of what was believed to be a swarm of carnivorous rodents. Reported one of the BEAR patrol: “They were nasty evil looking things with huge ears, huge sharp teeth, and horrible twitching noses covered with what we could only assume to be sharp poison tipped whiskers. When we approached they ran from us as if to regroup for a massive assault. We realized that had all gone into one of the Ion engine rooms, probably to plan their next move. We called in our heavy weapons team and struck before they could get us first. We opened the door and opened fire with Blaster Rifles, Cannons, Grenade Launchers, Rocket Launchers, and Nerve Gas. All in all, I think the engagement was a victory as we wiped out the enemy and sustained no casualties. The BEAR patrol works.”

Xenobiologists insist that the ‘enemy’ was a gentle herbivore. There have been rolling blackouts throughout the station as engineers attempt to repair the damaged Ion engine though they have been hampered by radiation and nerve gas residue. Said one engineer, “We need to stop the BEAR patrol before they kill us all.”


HGN has compiled a list of the top 10 worst and/or most dangerous occupations in the galaxy:

10. Moisture Farmer Day Laborer
9. Spice Prostitute
8. Dianoga Trainer
7. Starship septic tank cleaner
6. NAMIS (Native Management and Industrialization Service) worker on Gamorr
5. Separatist
4. Singing Telegram
3. Assistant Spice Prostitute
2. Enslaved Hutt Cleaner
1. Being a Gungan


New Holovid: Sordid Secrets of the Jedi

Watch the final hours of the Jedi as they plot the murder of the Supreme Chancellor with head of the Jedi Council Yoda played by gungan Yar-Nal Biggers. Watch as he plots the decimation of all that is good and decent:

“Meesa gonna take over the Republic.”
“Yousa gonna slay the Chancellor.”
“Fear leadsa to Suffering. Meesa gonna put much fear in yousa.”

With epic lightsaber battles we portray the fall of the Jedi Temple as the Imperial troops rush against time to save the young untrained Jedi from being murdered by their masters to prevent their rescue. Delve into the secrets of the occult. Can a cult of this much power be brought down? Yes, you know it happened. Now find out how.

See it now.


Do you want to help the downtrodden, the ignorant, the stupid, and the mindlessly violent become useful to society? Help COMPNOR make use of dumb animals by signing up to serve with such projects as NAMIR (Native Management and Industrialization Service) on Gamorr or SMAMP (Spice Miner Armed Motivation Patrol) on Kessel. See your local COMPNOR representative today.

Ever since the advent of the Imperial class Star Destroyer a debate has been raging as to whether the towers on top of the command structure are shield generator towers or sensor towers. All inquiries have been fruitless thus far. The PEOPLE have a right to know. Write your senator and demand this information.

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